Biography and Autobiography - Lesson 9 - First to Second Draft Worksheet

In the transition from the first to the second draft of the student's piece titled "Holiday in Majorca," there is a noticeable enhancement in the use of descriptive language and imagery. In the first draft, the student provides a simple and straightforward account of the setting with basic sensory details, such as the sun shining, children paddling in the sea, the sound of waves, and the feeling of sand between their toes. The language used is quite general, painting a pleasant but somewhat nondescript picture of a beach scene.

However, in the second draft, the student elevates the description by incorporating more vivid and evocative language. The sun doesn't just shine; it 'blazes down upon the white Spanish sands of Puerto Pollensa,' instantly creating a more intense and focused image of the setting. The children are no longer just paddling; they 'splashed and squealed with delight,' which adds to the liveliness and joy of the scene. The waves become more animated and powerful, likened to 'a giant’s hands splashing around in a gigantic bathtub,' which not only amplifies the visual imagery but also injects a playful, imaginative element to the description. Overall, the second draft is richer and more engaging, drawing the reader into the experience more effectively than the first.