Descriptive Writing - Lesson 5 - First to Second Draft Worksheet

The student has significantly enhanced the descriptive quality of their second draft for the 'Holiday in Majorca' piece, transforming a simple narrative into a vivid and evocative scene. In the initial draft, the writing is straightforward and factual, with short sentences that simply state what is being observed: the sun, children paddling, the sound of waves, and the sensation of sand. The decision to swim is mentioned without much context or sensory detail to engage the reader.

In contrast, the second draft is rich with imagery and uses more varied and expressive language. The sun is no longer just shining; it 'blazed down upon the white Spanish sands of Puerto Pollensa,' which immediately transports the reader to a specific location and conveys the intensity of the summer heat. The children are not just paddling; they are 'splashed and squealed with delight,' which adds a sense of joy and movement to the scene. The waves 'crashed against the shore like a giant’s hands splashing around in a gargantuan bathtub,' which personifies the sea and injects a playful, imaginative element to the description. Overall, the improvements from the first to the second draft show a shift towards more engaging storytelling that paints a clearer, more dynamic picture of the holiday experience in Majorca.